“I like it,” was his answer Saturday night.
The question? Well, after reading my other posts, what do you suspect?
Today’s count: half a 12-pack.
I have really been pondering this action thing. More on that in a bit.
After he got home this morning (he is working 3rd this week and next) and woke me up, he asked why I didn’t call him before I went to sleep last night. I don’t remember what I mumbled (I can’t answer questions when I’m 98% asleep). He was sober, because he had just come home from work. His voice was clear.
I didn’t need to be up until about 8:30 (I need plenty of time to wake up prior to going anywhere for any reason). So he came back up into the bedroom about an hour later (still early for me) and his voice was thick with it. Again he asked why I hadn’t called him before I went to sleep and I said something about being tired. He said something else but in my morning fog, I couldn’t understand him. He crawled into bed and I held him a few minutes and fell back to sleep. My alarm went off 30 minutes later and he wasn’t quite asleep so I gave him a kiss and said good night.
I made up my mind prior to sleeping that I was not going to call him to say good night. I went to sleep a little after 1:00 a.m. which is when he was on his “lunch” (not quite regular lunchtime). He had plenty of time to call me and see if I was still up. I checked my missed calls list this morning. 2:31 a.m. That’s when he called. Quite some time past his lunch, don’t you think?
Maybe I’m sending him a message, passive-aggressively, of course. Maybe the little actions, or lack of usual actions, will make something click in his mind. I don’t know.
As for bigger actions, such as leaving, if only temporary, are looming bigger in my mind. It occurred to me after I woke up and had a cigarette, well no, it struck me – if I can’t wrap my head around temporarily leaving him for at least several days or a week, how can I manage to just pick up and go for good?
Excellent thing to ponder, although, I’m pondering the leaving part more than that “how can I?” part.
I’m taking my letter with me to my shrink this morning. I have 10 minutes before I need to get out of the door. I have some anxiety this morning, which I didn’t have yesterday. And yesterday was Monday. Mondays are my high-panic days. So yesterday was very odd. Good discussion points, hmm?
purging the soul 