Archive for don’t argue with a drunk person

baby steps, I guess.

Posted in today's post with tags , , , , , on 29 July, 2009 by purgingthesoul

I think it was too hard to blog here, so I stopped a while. Much has happened. I made a decision in April to get engaged to him. Maybe I’m as fucked up in the head as he is…such is life. But I refuse to set a wedding date. There’s that.

I left him the day Michael Jackson died (that’s the only reason I remember what day it was); I packed some shit and left the house. I ended up going back, six hours later. What is this, baby steps? I guess. That was the first time I’ve made it out of the house. The other time I broke it off, I stayed and sobbed alone. Life is a bitch.

He had been doing really well. Then the ravenous animal that is alcoholism sucked him away from me again. This past weekend was horrendous. We went on a camping trip with some friends. He got plastered and proceeded to pick fights with me, in front of them all, for over two hours straight. The humiliation of it didn’t hit me until yesterday. The waves of anger coming over me made me so sick, I shut down.

The emotional manipulation is rampant. I can’t figure my way out of this. I don’t know if I want to be out of it, yet. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I want. I’m tired of it but I’m scared of life outside of it.

To people outside of this situation, those who have never dealt with an alcoholic – they wonder what it is, wonder what keeps me here. But their anger at the situation and frustration do not help me.

Monday I proceeded to talk to him in a calm manner about his lack of communication skills. Basically what he does is bottle shit up inside and won’t talk to me, then gets really drunk and proceeds to lay it all out. I told him it’s not fair and unacceptable. When he’s drunk I have no way of communicating to him my thoughts on whatever the subject may be. That got me thinking, if he knew how to communicate, would he feel the need to get drunk to drown his issues and stresses away? I don’t know.

wasted, expended energy

Posted in actions with tags , , , , on 16 September, 2008 by purgingthesoul

it’s been a while. ok, two months. there have been more arguments, more crying, more anxiety…and some time away. I went away to visit some family, quite a ways away. he lived without me during this time. more importantly, I lived without him. see, it’s doable, right?

two nights before I was to come back, he called me, drunk off his ass. he lied to me, said he only had a six pack. I’m no idiot; I’m no fool. it was much, much more than that. also, there was some JD in the mix, which makes him mean.

he called just prior to going to sleep, so I had no time whatsoever to compose any thoughts. he kept egging me on, trying to get me to argue with him. some days they are just looking for a fight – not about anything, but just to fight with you. don’t let them. it might make them angrier, but in the long run, you’ll thank me, for not having wasted expended energy on it. you can use that for something else, like mustering everything up the next morning, when he knows he was wrong and can’t remember exactly what, but he knows that he was terrible to you. somehow, he knows.

I asked him how much he had had; he said a 6-pack. the next morning I asked him something during my tirade, and he said he didn’t remember. I said, bullshit, because you said you only had 6, therefore you weren’t that drunk. I had more than that he said. then why did you lie? I asked. he had no answer.

I laid the ultimatum out: change your thinking about not ever wanting to go “see someone” about your addiction and your issues, or learn to live without me. I advised him I required evidence of him doing the first choice. he called me back 10 minutes later, having called someone I recommended, left a message, and also located the local addiction center office. I was blown away. let’s see how long his feeble efforts last.

you may think that is a harsh statement, but I’m not getting my hopes up. if he really gives a shit, which I know he does, then he will continue. if he can’t deal with himself by himself, then I will not continue to deal with him. I’m on my last shred of patience and forgiveness. this needs to be worked through and beyond, and if it cannot, then I will leave.

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