the breakdown
I told him I was leaving. There was limited reaction. “Well, it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind,” he said. “I want you to stay,” he said. “I want our life together,” he said.
I held steady until he walked out the door to go to work. Then I let the breakdown happen. At 3:41 a.m. I couldn’t take it any longer.
“I had already decided to quit drinking,” he said. “I have been hurting all night,” he said. “I love you so much,” he said.
I stayed.
He was hurting all night. Poor thing.
I’ve been hurting for years now. What about ME?
Not only is he an alcoholic, he’s a porn addict as well. Porn sites, find your sex partner now sites, personal sites. What exactly is he looking for? Sex? We have a great sex life, as long as his willie isn’t drunk. A new girlfriend so he can dump me? Can’t you stand to be alone, baby? Tired of my complaining about his drinking? What? WHAT?
He hasn’t had alcohol in the house since Feb. 1st. – Where is he hiding it?
If not hiding it, how long does he plan on “quitting”? How long can his body, his mind, take it?
Next time he starts up again, what will I decide to do? Am I going to put myself through this for the rest of my life? Or until he kills himself with it? Am I so weak I can’t help but stay and watch him slowly die? Can I stand that?
Can I live my life never having children? (He fires blanks.)
Can I accept this life?
If I can…why?
9 February, 2009 at 5:53 pm
My wife is an alcoholic and I have asked myself similar questions many times. How long can I stand to watch the woman I love slowly deteriorate and take me and my family with her? I’m afraid I don’t know the answer, I just try to protect myself and my kids from the worst of it and over the years have come close to calling it a day but have never had the guts to finally carry it through. Is it weakness? I’m not sure. I still love my wife despite all she has put us through but sometimes I think that if we didn’t have kids then the decision to leave would be easier.
I don’t have any experience of porn addiction and my wife has never been unfaithful (that I know). That, I think would be the final straw for me.
I have read your story (and many others) and it saddens me every time I come across another person suffering the consequences of loving an alcoholic, but at the same time it gives me some comfort that I am not alone. Neither are you, take care.
SSOA
12 March, 2009 at 1:04 am
SSOA…thank you for coming by and also for linking. sorry I don’t update this more often but it’s difficult. I’m sure you understand. and unfortunately, I have no more answers to your questions than I have to my own.
And yes, I was immediately comforted when I read through your blog. I don’t think I plucked up the courage to comment though. perhaps I will now.
thanks for coming by. you take care, too. x
11 March, 2009 at 12:20 am
Time to leave! This way when I grow some balls, I can join you in Cali. <3
12 March, 2009 at 1:03 am
amby,
maybe i’ll just pack my car and swing by on my way out, taking you with me. ♥
3 April, 2009 at 2:23 pm
After two bouts of almost quitting, two DUIs and job loss, I left my alcoholic husband. My 3.5 yr marriage is over. I realized a few months ago that as long as I worked and stayed, he had every reason not to quit drinking. I did not want to control the marriage but wanted control over my own life. Fortunately, all our children are grown and from previous marriages.
My husband is in court ordered rehab. I wonder at times if he would have ever decided to go on his own. The real test for him is after he comes home from rehab. I won’t be there.
We all have our limits as to how much grief we can take. I urge anyone in this type of situation to get support and help for themselves and their family. Thankfully, I have good friends and family and a strong faith.
There are days where I miss the man I married. I do not miss the man I left; I don’t know who he is anymore.